WrestleMania 33 Preview

I can’t think of a more perfect representation of what WrestleMania has become than this years card. A bunch of cluttered matches, title matches with terrible builds, and part-time old guys galore! It’s going to be great.

I’ve come around on Mania. There’s a thing that goes around every year that WrestleMania isn’t for the “hardcore” fans. That may be true, but  a 6 hour show filled with c-list celebrities and stars from the 90’s is not for casual fans either. Then who is it for? Well, the WWE tells us who it’s for in every promo. It’s for the “moments.” A decade ago, a WrestleMania moment was a storyline prop for Mick Foley vs Edge. Now, it’s a brand. The quality of the show doesn’t matter. Nothing matters except the WrestleMania Moments that can be put in a video package to make people think something important happened.

With that in mind, this preview will be about what moments the WWE is going to be telling us are important after the show. Winners and losers won’t be predicted unless part of the “moment,” because wins and losses don’t matter. This is proven over and over again. So here are my predictions for your upcoming WrestleMania moments.

Smackdown Woman’s Championship Six Pack Challenge: Alexa Bliss (champion) vs Becky Lynch vs Natalya vs Mickie James vs Carmella vs Naomi

None of the participants in this six woman clusterfuck will have a WrestleMania moment. Instead, James Ellsworth will get his moment, as he proceeds to be humiliated by no less then four of these women, including his friend who is a girl.

Cruiserweight Championship: Neville (champion) vs Austin Aries

After a lifetime of sacrificing his body, working in the independents and TNA, shedding blood, sweat, and tears, A Double gets his WrestleMania moment, winning a hard fought match in front of 50 people while the rest of the audience finds their seats. Congrats Austin!

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

This moment goes to Sami Zayn, who has dedicated this match to his “mentor” Mick Foley. Cause, despite not saying anything about this for the 9 months they’ve been working together, Foley is apparently Zayn’s mentor. When Braun Strowman tosses Sami into the fourth row to eliminate him, Zayn can say hi to Foley’s family as he goes sailing over their heads.

Raw Tag Team Championship Ladder Match: Anderson & Gallows (champions) vs Enzo & Big Cass vs Cesaro & Sheamus

Falling off ladders is so passe anymore. Gone are the days when these matches meant anything. The stipulation was thrown in at the last minute, probably because someone realized they didn’t have one of those giant ladder matches yet that they have every year. While I’m sure Enzo falling off and through a ladder will be hilarious, the real Moment winner goes to the kings of the tag team ladder matches, the Hardy’s. Whether they show up or not, if they are BROKEN or not, they possibilities of them being there are way more interesting than anything else going on in this match.

Intercontinental Championship: Dean Ambrose (champion) vs Baron Corbin

I… forgot this match existed. I guess Baron wins and brags about having a Moment even though no one will remember anything about this five minutes after it happens.

John Cena & Nikki Bella vs The Miz & Maryse

This entire thing is designed to give us a defining “WrestleMania Moment.” This whole thing serves no other purpose then to get a shot of the happy couple that will be replayed forever and provide a plot hook for Total Diva’s. And I’m okay with this. This has been an entertaining feud, and will give us the moment from WM33 that will be replayed the most in the next decade.

United States Championship: Chris Jericho (champion) vs Kevin Owens

I don’t actually think this will have anything resembling a WrestleMania moment. The best bet they would have would be by having a great match, but Jericho hasn’t proved he can rise to that level anymore. Besides, these guys had the Festival of Friendship, and that trumps damn near everything.

Raw Women’s Championship Elimination Match: Bayley (champion) vs Charlotte vs Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax

One of these women will have their WrestleMania Moment when they raise the title over the heads. I have no idea which one. I have no idea who gets eliminated in what order. I’m perplexed by this, which I guess is a good thing. If the build of Bayley had been even half decent, this would be the most intriguing match on the card.

Shane McMahon vs AJ Styles

Shane gets another moment when he jumps off something. Alternatively, Shane decides for the Ultimate WrestleMania Moment, and tucks his head when taking a Styles Clash. In any case, this is not about getting AJ a moment, but another notch for Shane O Mac.

Non Sanctioned Match: Seth Rollins vs HHH

In theory, this has been the best built match on the show, going back years. In practice… eh. Seth should get his “moment” here by conquering The Game, but no one would be surprised if HHH wins, right? In that case, the moment here comes during HHH’s entrance, because I’m sure it will be ridiculous.

The Undertaker vs Roman Reigns

The only moment that will rival John Cena and Nikki Bella for sure “moment-ness” will be Roman Reigns standing tall after beating the Undertaker. Blegh.

Universal Championship: Goldberg (champion) vs Brock Lesnar

This entire match will be a moment, because I doubt it’s lasting longer than their entrances.

WWE Championship: Bray Wyatt (champion) vs Randy Orton

Unless there are more buildings for Orton to burn down, I don’t think there will be any moment here that can match what has already happened in this feud.

So there you have it, your WrestleMania Moments for 2017. Two guaranteed ones with Roman Reigns and John Cena, and the rest a mish mash of moments everyone will have forgotten about in a month but we’ll still be told are important. Enjoy WrestleMania!

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