I tried to do a WresleMania preview. I really did. I even wrote half of it. But holy crap nearly everything about Mania this year just bores me to tears. If this card was at any other time of the year, no one would care. I tried, I really did, but man, I just stared at my screen, trying to think of something to say about AJ Styles vs Chris Jericho that hasn’t been said a million times, dreading having to talk about HHH’s mediocre WrestleMania main events… I tried gimmicking it up, but I was bored writing it, so there wasn’t much point in publishing it.
Instead, here’s something I did enjoy writing. On a wrestling message board, someone asked people to make their WrestleMania card, assuming you had access to all the injured wrestlers. This isn’t a fantasy booking blog, but dear God, WrestleMania is so boring this year. I tried to keep my fantasy card a bit realistic, but do include Cesaro, Neville, and most importantly, John Cena. That thread didn’t get a lot of attention, so I’m republishing it here with some extra bits.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: Everyone not on the main card.
The Wyatt Family stays together, eliminating nearly everyone in the ring. Big Show tries to rally the remaining people to his side, but the Wyatts prove unbeatable. At the end, Bray orders his Family to eliminate themselves, and after some tension, they do. Bray avoids losing a big match three years in a row, and the Family gains some credibility.
Winner: Bray Wyatt
Ladder Match for the United States Title: Kalisto (c) vs Jericho vs Ryback vs Neville vs Cesaro vs Rusev vs Del Rio
A large multi-man match for the US title just makes more sense then the IC title. Rusev and Del Rio are recent champions and will plot dastardly heel team ups until a split is teased. Neville and Kalisto fly around the place, Cesaro is the base and shows off his strength. Ryback is a recent IC champion, and kills someone through a ladder. The wild card is Jericho. I don’t believe Jericho has ever been the United State champion. After finishing his program with AJ at Fastlane, Jericho guns for the US title, growing increasingly antagonistic towards Kalisto. The finale comes between Jericho and Kalisto, with the luchador giving Jericho a Salida Del Sol off the top of the ladder, retaining the title.
NXT Title Match: Finn Balor (c) vs Sami Zayn
Balor has been slowly adding more and more heelish mannerisms to his repertoire, slowly on the way to becoming the cocky, arrogant heel he should be. Sami is determined to regain the NXT Title, and wins the 2 out of 3 falls match against Joe. Balor promises a surprise, hinting at releasing his demon against a determined Zayn, but instead Karl Anderson and Doc Gallows make their debut during the match, forming the Balor Club, or Bulletproof, or whatever they’re going to call it, and giving Zayn his formal send-off from NXT. A new faction is born, ready to rise to the main roster when most inconvienent for some poor chump…
Winner: Finn Balor
Elimination Match for the Tag Team Titles: Uso’s vs New Day vs Sheamus & Barrett vs American Alphas.
American Alphas win a four team tournament in the pre-show, beating the Dudley Boyz in the finals, to get a shot at the titles. Alphas eliminate the Uso, only to fall to a Brouge Kick and Bullhammer immediately after. The League of Nations finally gets the upper hand on the New Day, putting Big E through a table and isolating Kofi. LoN ends up beating three face teams to give them some heat, and New Day get to chase for their belts back.
Winner: League of Nations
Street Fight: Brock Lesnar vs Dean Ambrose
I wrote an entire post about this match. It’s the only match on the actual card that I’m looking forward to. If SummerSlam is headlined by the Shield Triple Threat (I’m going to keep predicting this match until it happens), and it should be, then Ambrose needs a big win here. Ambrose kicks out of the F-5, so Heyman slides Lesnar a chair. Lesnar goes for another F-5 on the chair, but Ambrose counters into Dirty Deeds, smashing Lesnar into the steel
Winner: Dean Ambrose.
Diva’s Clusterfuck: Everyone not in the Title Match
I dunno, your usual Diva’s WrestleMania match. Flo Rida is probably involved somehow.
Winner: The babyfaces.
Intercontinental Title Match: Kevin Owens (c) vs AJ Styles.
A singles match for the IC title just makes so much more sense. While Owens has pissed a lot of people off, he has defeated them soundly every time. Why do they keep getting opportunities? But there’s one guy who he pissed off who has yet to have a match with him. Winning his feud with Jericho has Styles set his sights firmly on the man who tossed him out of the Royal Rumble, the IC champion. These two are given twenty minutes to just tear things up, and they do. Owens nearly taps out to the Calf Crusher, but retains cleanly with a one-time usage of the Package Piledriver.
Winner: Kevin Owens
Diva’s Title Match: Charlotte (c) vs Becky Lynch vs Sasha Banks vs Bayley.
In the lead up, Bayley has talked about unifying the NXT and Diva’s titles, before losing her belt to Asuka at Takeover. They play up the “4 Horsewomen” aspect, with Charlotte taking more and more offense to the idea of them being in her league. In the end, she loses the title but doesn’t take the pinfall. Sasha has Bayley in the crossface, and Charlotte has Becky in the Figure 4, and Bayley taps out first.
Winner: Sasha Banks
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: HHH (c) vs Roman Reigns
There is potential for this match, but that potential has been squandered at every turn in the build. So we build different. After being beat down by HHH, Reigns promises that when he comes back, nowhere will be safe for HHH. Roman becomes akin to Jason Vorhees, showing up whenever HHH makes an appearance. HHH cuts a promo, Roman interrupts with a spear. HHH does a Muscle & Fitness photo shoot? Camera’s catch Reigns attacking him afterwards. HHH is out buying groceries? Roman is there too. Over the next few weeks, The Game is running scared, constantly looking over his shoulder. The kicker comes at NXT Takeover. Out to give the opening promo at “his” show, HHH is attacked by Reigns yet again, the two brawling through the arena. As for the match itself? I dunno, Roman wins with a spear I guess.
Winner: Roman Reigns.
Undertaker vs John Cena
It’s a damn shame we’re not getting this match for real. A lot of talk about respect and legacies and WrestleMania. Cena doesn’t turn heel, but he gets an edge to him, similar to his feud against the Rock. He has his own legacy to look out for after all. The match is your standard “big” match, with plenty of finisher kick outs before Taker plants Cena with the Tombstone.
WrestleMania ends with Undertaker’s music playing for the last time as he slowly leaves the ring and disappears into the fog up the entrance ramp, Druids lighting the way, The Undertaker never to be seen again.
At least we have NXT Takeover to look forward to.