I’m going to be frank with you here: I am nearly completely uninterested in Summerslam this year. Just the thought of previewing it makes me bored. Summerslam is so unappealing that I’m not even very excited about the NXT Takeover show the night before. The residual disinterest from Summerslam is seeping over into other events! Truly they have created a monster.
I think I’ve found a way to preview Summerslam, explain my disinterest, and not fall asleep at my keyboard. For each of the matches on the card, I will preview it and provide the Worst Case Scenario. This will be at least a semi-plausible, realistic and unapologetically fatalistic possibility for the match, the show, the WWE, and maybe life itself.
Random Multi-Team Tag Match: Well, we’re not opening up with a strong showing here. There’s no reason for this to have the Lucha Dragons and Los Matadores to be in this match. A better idea would have been to let the two high-flying teams have a match on the preshow and let the New Day and the Prime Time Players settle their feud. Instead we get this mess of a match, with four teams who trade wins at random, build no momentum, and have no stories. A criminal use of the New Day.
Winner: The New Day
Worst Case Scenario: One of the Los Matadores is injured before the show and is replaced by El Torito, who quickly becomes one half of the tag team champions.
Randy Orton vs. Sheamus: These guys are fighting because… because they have nothing better to do I guess. Both men occupy this weird main-event/upper mid-card spot where they can be slotted into a title match at any time, but spend most their time just trading wins against other upper mid-card guys. In these matches, it doesn’t even matter who wins, as they will just do a rematch on Raw the next night and whoever loses will get their win back.
Winner: Randy Orton
Worst Case Scenario: Randy Orton wins in dominant fashion, but the night ends with Sheamus cashing in his Money in the Bank contract, walking out of Summerslam as WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt & Luke Harper: Hey, it’s 4/6th of the most anticipated feud from two years ago! Like everything else on the card, this story behind this matches makes no sense. Bray attacked Reigns because… eh, who cares, let’s just have Bray ramble nonsensicially for a while, just like every other Bray Wyatt feud. This at least should have quality in ring action to keep me entertained, and is one of the few matches I actually want to watch. Also, with Cesaro’s recent push, Luke Harper picks up the mantle of most underutilized talent on the roster. The guy should be a monster heel in the upper card, capable of having a great match with nearly anyone.
Winner: Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose
Worst Case Scenario: Three minutes into the match, Ambrose hits Reigns with a chair, turning on his friend and setting up a feud between the two. However, best case scenario may be just the opposite. Roman turning on Dean would let Reign’s natural smugness and obnoxiousness shine through.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev: The story behind this match at least makes sense. However, it has been done in the most excrutiatingly embarassing way possible that I hesitate to even bring up the details. Ziggler in particular has been cringe-inducing in this feud. Rusev however, has made the best out of a ridiculous situation. He’s really coming into his own with his mannerisms and being an over-the-top heel. Oh yeah, I guess there’s a match here too. It should be fine.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Worst Case Scenario: Lana betrays Dolph, and Rusev begins collecting a harem of pencil-skirted blondes.
Neville & Stephen Amell vs. King Barrett & Stardust: Oddly enough, this match’s story might make the most sense out of anything on the card. The WWE is essentially a comic book, and though the inclusion of King Barrett doesn’t really do anything, it doesn’t hurt the narrattive too much either. I am totally onboard celebrity involvement like this. It fits the story, and Amell has athelticism to not embarass himself in the ring. I don’t watch Arrow, and probably still won’t, but I’m at least intrigued more by it now. This story has been building up really since Stardust came into being, really kicking into gear when he embraced his villianous ring gear choices at Wrestlemania. I appriciate this storytelling.
Winner: Neville and Stephen Amell.
Worst Case Scenario: Amell gets hurt in the ring, dissuading all potentially decent celebrity athletes from working with the WWE, leaving us with celebrity guests like Snooki and Kathy Lee.
Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens: This match is 75% of why I’ll be watching Summerslam. Please please please let them wrestle for 15-20 minutes. Please WWE, I won’t ask for anything else this month, I promise. Let them wrestle, and watch the crowd go absolutely nuts for them. With a hot New York City crowd, this match will probably get the biggest reaction of the night outside of anything Brock Lesnar does. The phrase “steal the show” is overused anymore, but these two WILL steal Summerslam.
Winner: Kevin Owens
Worst Case Scenario. They get five minutes before the main event, Owens gets DQ’d for not stopping his attack on Cesaro while he’s in the corner, and Vince McMahon wonders why Millenials these days don’t connect with the crowd and grab the brass ring.
Ryback vs. The Miz vs. The Big Show: This match was supposed to happen last PPV, but Ryback had to go get a staph infection, so it’s happening now. That’s all. There is literally nothing else left to say about this, except that The Miz has been gold in everything outside the ring. He’s such a hatable heel.
Winner: The Miz
Worst Case Scenario: The Big Show wins. That’s it. No complicated scenarios on this one. I can not think of a worst thing involving this match then The Big Show winning.
The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar: One of the main events, and one of the least anticipated main events I’ve ever had the pleasure of not anticipating. Let me see if Ican succiently sum up why this match doesn’t interest me. First of all, it makes zero sense. The Undertaker waits a year and half to get revenge? And he does so by kicking Lesnar in the balls? Taker has come into this match looking like a whiner. Second of all, their match at Wrestlemania sucked, and Taker’s match against Wyatt this year sucked. He’s old. He can’t go like he used to. He looks like a grandpa, not a deadman. And Lesnar is not the kind of wrestler to carry an old man to a great match. This is going to be a lot of punch-kick-slam and nothing else. And while I love watching Lesnar throw dude’s around, I draw the line geriatics. Third of all, Undertaker is probably winning this match. Ugh. UGH I say.
Winner: The Undertaker
Worst Case Scenario. Lesnar throws Undertaker around and he breaks a hip. Because he’s old, get it? Seriously, Taker shouldn’t be in the ring with a wrestler like Lesnar. Taker could have some good matches left, but not against a guy like Lesnar.
Team Bella (Nikki and Bri Bella, Alicia Fox) vs. Team BAD (Sasha Banks, Naomi, Tamina) vs. PCB (Paige, Charlotte, Becky Lynch): The Diva Revolution is here! Sort of. I mean, I guess it’s here. Stephanie McMahon told us it was here, and she wouldn’t lie to us. I mean, sure, they have no story, no real feuds, the Bella’s change from heel to face to heel constantly, sometimes in mid-match, and the sort-of main event on Raw with Nikki vs. Sasha had no promotion and had the crowd chanting for Lesnar, but ignore all that, the Diva Revolution is here!
Winner: Paige, Charolette, Becky Lynch.
Worst Case Scenario: In a four hour PPV, a match involving nine women is given 5 minutes (including entrances), and ends with the Bella’s as the last Diva’s standing.
Alternate Worst Case Scenario: Sasha Banks vs. Baley steals the show the night before at NXT Takeover, thus further encouraging people to stay in Full Sail.
Seth Rollins vs. John Cena: Seth Rollins is a chump. That’s not my opinion, that’s the way WWE wants us to look at him. He has yet to have a convicing victory over anyone as champion. HHH talks down to him every night on Raw. He talks constantly about needing to prove himself, thus reminding the viewer that he has yet to prove himself, then goes out and taps out to John Cena. Seth Rollins is the least credible champion since The Miz. There are ways to do slimey heel champion while still being entertaining and making the champ a threat. Seth Rollins is not a threat. He’s not entertaining. He’s not credible. He’s barely a champion. And he’s not beating John Cena.
Winner: John Cena via DQ or Countout or some other bullshit.
Worst Case Scenario: John Cena wins cleans, breaking Ric Flair’s World Title record, then retires the United States title the next night on Raw, meaning the last several months of him beating the entirity of the midcard completely and utterly pointless.